If you grew up learning that being yourself led to criticism, rejection, or pain, masking may have felt like the safest option. Over time, that protection can start to cost you connection, intimacy, and a sense of self, even while authenticity still feels dangerous. This inner conflict can leave you feeling stuck, anxious, or unsure how to move forward in recovery. Understanding this double bind can help you take small, safer steps toward being real without overwhelming your nervous system.
This is part of the Double Bind series. See all videos here:
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Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist; he is a counsellor in Canada and has worked with people with Complex Trauma and Addiction for decades. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.
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Thank you so much for all of this. I especially like your discussions on identity. I've told therapists over and over I don't know who I am. I was born into …. "Complex Trauma" and that's how I've lived my 55+ years. During COVID, more trauma, a … an unsafe supervisor … a decision: do the unthinkable or pick up the phone. I started counseling and found one …. unsafe … counselor after another, until I found a really kind one; but then he passed away. Over the course of 2022/2023, eight loved ones died, my dog died, I lost two long-term friendships. The hardest loss was my 31yo son in Oct 2022. I tried to go to a 30-day rehab place in SoCal that I thought would be therapeutic: massage, yoga, hikes, beach excursions, and psychotherapy … it was more of a prison – another trauma. I started a new counselor late Oct 2024 and she is wonderful. One of the first points I discussed with her was {everybody} kept telling me, "now you get to re-invent yourself" (after the death of my son, my only child). The problem is, having been born into complex trauma, I never invented myself to begin with, or invented all the masks from the get-go. It's only now, with a really good counselor, and helpful online tools, I'm making strides to grow and to find authentic me.
❤❤❤
My mom just got healed by your explaination and understood by me… and first I thought it was all about meeee ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ thank you sooooo much
So true! I find it hard to identify people I can trust or rely on. Because of my desire to connect it feels so naturaI to automatically lower my boundries when I see others in "need". When I recognize this a longer period of time has passed
Thank you for all the practical tips because I know all the theoretical parts but I never know how to translate it to healthy actionable steps ❤
You are asking us to be other person, nobody can change a this level cmon tim, another video bashing broken people im not gonna pay for "safe" people that is just there for the check
What is "authentic" my authentic self wants to smoke weed all day and let everything go to waste
I’m curious, at what point does someone’s complex trauma that later turns into addiction, deceit, gaslighting, manipulation, integrity, violations in relationships push from just “I’m someone who experienced trauma to I’m somebody who, as an able-bodied adult who could seek help for complex trauma, perpetrated abuse on another.”
I’m trying to balance empathy and compassion for someone’s childhood with their abusive behavior as an adult because personal accountability does matter at some point.
My parents really screwed all 3 of their kids. Father (alcoholic) dead 40 years mother about to turn 90. She used to tell us "you kids are like a millstone around my neck " and gripe and moan about not having the best clothing or the kind of life she wanted. I developed an eating disorder my brother attempted suicide and my sister is completely estranged from family…cant blame her. Mother will be 90 next month. I took her in for a year when she could no longer live on her own and then she moved into an independent living facility. I am in constant dread that shes going to deteriorate and need more help because I just can't do it. Not physically or financially. My brother has mental health issues and can't help and my sister would leave the country before she got involved with any of this. Mother of course is entitled and oblivious. Her lack of self knowledge is stunning
SPIT SCREEN,,,,,,PLEASE.
Ugh, this isn’t helpful cause it asserts that all the fears of being authentic are unfounded. Ppl absolutely DO and WILL reject you. And maybe this won’t be true for everyone but for me I’ve ended up without anyone. So don’t act like all fears are unfounded.
… unfortunately we (I) can not make the difference between safe and unsafe people 😔
Thank you Dr. Fletcher. Ive learned so much from you.
I started finding things that used to make me sad or angry.. now make me laugh about it.where if my brother or sister tell me that am a mad person because of my epilepsy, I’d just laugh and agree.or even when I rewatch the recording of when my brother was laughing at me about all my suicide attempts,I’d just find it funny & laugh about,at other times it hurts.
Ty ty ty ty ty
Thanks a lot. I always thought that that was my personality, at 43 I learned that I have adhd. Now I am 47 and I learned that I have complex childhood trauma because of my parents reaction to my adhd and interestingly almost all of the symptoms you are talking about are present in me. Thanks a lot 🙏
Just when I think you've told me everything about myself and my experience, you tell me one more thing about myself and my experience. How fortunate are those of us who have had our CPTSD validated by you.
❤ I attended 12-step meetings for 45 years so far
Healing often means choosing between safety and connection before both can coexist.
Having needs that required help from the folks really enraged them. Like, taking us to medical care. Requiring as it does energy and attention from them to give to us. THEY are the ones who should get the energy and attention. If really necessary the needs care would be given. Along with harangue, cussing, even beatings.
I have a few treasured friends. I work very hard to not impose on them.
My therapist has a remarkable, gentle, patient kindness about that.
I have quite a problem like when I was not solved with my problems. I was like really tough and it was going perfectly in the society now that I am good like it’s more than a mess. I don’t understand so I don’t understand. Why is that like what is wrong with this society first and second who do I have to be because I can be stuff is just funny. I don’t see the interest in it. I feel like it’s totally useless, but the problem is people just go with the tone so that so you have an answer for me because honestly, I would like to know.. thank you very much. Your video looks very good. I’m just at the start. Best regards
What I have encountered is the many setbacks in growth due to others claiming to be safe people and safe places to grow, but that turns out to be another lie. The last thing I should have done is what I long for the most and that’s recover to receive all of those beautiful heart longings that “normal” people experience regularly.
Tim, I am a big fan of your work, but apparently I need better understanding of “safe people.” Currently, the only “safe people” are my paid therapists.
I was having this same thought this morning ❤
I bursted into tears
I have complex PTSD (in remission now) and ADHD and autism. And this story is also true for autistic ADHD people without complex PTSD, but who have experienced a lot of rejection, criticism etc.
When you have complex PTSD it happens at home, with parents who are supposed to love and protect you. But when you have ADHD and autism it happens in the world, but its is seen as normal by neurotypical people and it will keep happening for the rest of your life. When you have complex PTSD you can learn to overcome the inner voices, because it's not reality, it's anxiety and trauma etc because of what happened to you with your parents. But when you are autistic the rejection, criticism etc is your reality. So how do you overcome something like that, when it's society that needs you to mask, to be able to have a job etc? So, I want to be my authentic self. I crave authenticity and personal freedom.. but how do you do this when most people reject you, ostracize you etc just for being yourself? Being my true self fully doesn't feel like an option for me, but I wonder if that's only the reality of being AuDHD while living in a neurotypical world. Or is a part of that the complex PTSD talking?
This explains so much about why my marriage of 25yrs ended.
My past was loud and I was always open about it (though repeated patterns for years until overcoming them). I married into what appeared to be a perfect family.
Though perfection isn’t possible, what I learned was things were hidden, not talked about, and shame had been used to parent my spouse and her siblings.
Struggles in all our marriages were scantly talked about except through my MIL. I believe she was well intentioned in her council, she herself had been raised by what the family saw as “the world’s worst narcissist”.
As we approached empty nest, my spouse was in her 40’s, she started a new business while I went through Tim’s program and another local recovery ministry.
The dynamics in my relationship changed as my failures lessened and the spotlight revealing mistakes was now also covering my ex. Indeed I believe this led to her stepping out, though I only have circumstantial details.
She attempted to instigate my anger, but those triggers had been removed, so she finally filed and left the marriage.
I had always seen their masks and I knew the fears of my ex and helped her come out but never could.
This double bind helps explain why there seems to be two people or two realities of “who she is”.
Thank you Tim for your way of discussing these issues❤